Doesn’t it seem like every one of my post begins with some type of excuse as to why I haven’t been very consistent with my writing? I’m sorry, you guys. I promise it wasn’t intentional. I definitely underestimated how much time would be dedicated to parenthood and adulthood.
I have officially survived an entire year of motherhood. When I first started my blog, I wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was a depressed new mom, to a seemingly fatherless child. I was hurt, I was envious, I was weak, I was lost, I was over it. I told you guys that I would end up rising above everything and becoming a kickass mom. Well guys what, here I am, months later, doing everything I thought I couldn’t do. Lord knows this year hasn’t gone by without it’s fair share of trials and tribulations but I just thank God that things are not what they used to be.
Can we just take a minute to thank God for growth? He listens. He answers. Not in our timing but in his own. In the beginning of my journey, I felt like I was suffering at the hands of Kai’s father. I literally was so miserable that I cried everyday because I was terrified of raising my son on my own. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. There’s no worse feeling than the feeling of abandonment. Y’all, I prayed so much that God would just change the way things were going, but it didn’t seem that the atmosphere was shifting at all. For months, I remained steadfast. Then BAM! Here comes Daddy Dex in full force and ready for duty. He has been on top of his game with Kai and I couldn’t be more thankful. I was soooo worried that he’d never come around or be what I needed him to be for our son.
But any who, we have moved forward and left the past in the past. There was absolutely no way to heal old wounds if we kept picking at the scabs. Once we got on the same page, it seemed like everything just came together. He’s here quite often to see Kai. It’s a little tough sometimes being that he lives 2 hours away, though. I know that isn’t far but him actually being in Houston would be better. But hey, you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. I love when he comes to town. He helps me out a lot. I get to sleep, I get to eat, I get to take long showers. Yea, I know what you’re probably thinking. . . “Wasn’t she just talking shit about him?” I meeaaan, I wouldn’t call it that but, yes, I did have some not so favorable things to say about him and they way we started off. It was the truth. But that’s where the growth comes in. This is how far we’ve come. Dex and I understand that we are a team, trying to achieve the same goal. We just want to successfully raise our son. I love how he is with Kai. Even though, he acts like Kai is like 6. Lol. I love how he can be the tough one and I can be the softer one but it still is a perfect balance. I think our co-parenting relationship is a rare one for this day and age. We get along. I don’t hate him. He’s more than just Kai’s father; he’s my friend. He’s there when I need him. He has my back. We laugh. We talk. We enjoy being around each other. He’s a pretty cool guy. It’s sometimes hard to express my love and care for him to others because you know once you’ve said something bad about what someone else has done to you, they’ll never forgive him when you do. I guess that shouldn’t really matter to me. We’re here and we have moved on and are looking toward the future.
Now of course I have to ruin a good thing with my emotional ass. Lol. You guys should already know at this point, that I am very open about the way I feel. So with that being said. I enjoy every waking moment I get to spend with Kai and Dex. They are hilarious. They keep me smiling, but it’s SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to lose that feeling of wanting to be a family. I feel like sometimes I have an unhealthy attachment to the mindset of having things the way I want them to be instead of seeing things for the way they are. Maybe I just think too much, dream too much, wish too much, hope too much. It gets so overwhelming at times and it makes dating hard. I could meet a really nice guy and actually like him enough to date him, but I won’t because I don’t want to waste his time knowing good and well that’s not where I want to be. Yea yea, call it what you want. But before Kai existed, I always felt this connection to him. Kinda still do. Lol. And I don’t know if it’s because we have a child, that we actually do have a connection now or what .. I just don’t want to ruin the relationship we have as co-parents because at the end of the day, Kai takes priority over my feelings. I’m not really sure how he feels nor am I going to ask. Hell, idk if the man is seeing anyone. I’m too afraid to ask. It’s like one of those “don’t ask if you really don’t want to know the answer” type of things. I don’t want to feel played. Maybe ending up with my face broken and on the floor would be just what I need to get over that stage. Lol. Well, who knows what the future holds. Like I said, it’s all in God’s time and whatever is in his will, it’ll be done. I’m okay with that.
Glad I got that off of my chest.
As far as the baby King. He is finally one. I feel like I just had him. He is growing at lightning speed. We have finally moved pass the formula stage and into the whole milk stage. My pocketbook is having a praise break. I don’t know how many more cans of SIXTEEN dollar milk I would’ve been able to buy before I had to file for bankruptcy. Lol. Chile look . . When I say, I was over it. I do mean over it. I love that he can eat table food and feed himself now. He only has two teeth at the bottom but THE BOY CAN EAT! Okay?! He eats, EVERYTHING! Green, beans, potatoes, tomatoes. . . . YOU NAME IT! I’m not mad at him though. Mama likes too eat too.
He’s become mobile and busy af. He’s not walking just yet, but he gets into anything left unattended. I had to lower his crib mattress because he was standing up and trying to climb out. That eliminated one problem but now the new problem with that is that it’s easier for him to grab the clothes on his shelf and pull them down. Lordy! I also had to purchase a gate to stop him from going in the restroom. He likes to play with the toilet handle and go in the cabinets. All day it’s like I’m running a marathon. He has so many toys but he prefers playing with everything that isn’t a toy. I think I’m going to be bald from pulling my hair out before he even reaches the “terrible twos”. Anyone wanna buy me a good lace front?
Earlier this year, I removed Kai from daycare and placed him in the care of a sitter. I’m so sad to say that he will be going back to daycare in less that two weeks. I absolutely love and adore the young lady and her family for taking such good care of my baby and caring for him the way I would. I’m afraid that when I send him back to daycare, he won’t get the same care. Well I’m mean, obviously. There are other kids to tend to. They don’t have time to sit around and baby Kai all day. On the other side of the coin, I am excited because he’ll have other children to interact with and have a curriculum . We have to keep that mind working. Maybe he’ll start walking too.
Dexter and I started weaning him from his beloved pacifier this weekend. I didn’t realize how strong his attachment to it was until last night. My baby cried for over an hour because he couldn’t sleep without it. Over the weekend, his dad made it look like a cakewalk. Me on the other hand, I have to fight my child to go to bed. I caved. I gave him one last night. I’m so disappointed in myself because i really want him to let it go. I should have never gave it to him, but when you’re a tired mom who just wants to rest, it’s a quick fix. I’m going to keep trying. I’m no quitter.
I can definitely say that these past few months, things have been on the up and up. We’re just experiencing so much growth in all aspects of our lives. I love it. Life is good. God is good. I just pray that he keeps allowing us to grow on this journey.
Peace and Blessings,