Dear Kai, Please Be Nice.

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Here we are, in the “almost terrible two’s” and I think I’m just about halfway crazy. Lol. Kai’s is a busy as can be. Although, sometimes chasing a busy toddler can become overwhelming, I love to watch how much he is growing. He’s saying so many more words, feeding himself, identify things, people, body parts, etc. I’m loving every minute of it.

Now, everyone loves to talk about the good things about parenting,  but when it comes to discussing the rough, rugged, and raw truth, people go into their shells. No one wants to speak negatively about their child nor parenthood itself, out of fear that other people will judge them as a parent. But you know what, getting annoyed with your baby is okay. That doesn’t make you a terrible parent. It makes you human. So with that being said, here’s what I’ve been dealing with as a mother of an “Almost two year old.”

Kai has become this fight, biting, scratching, tantrum throwing, “MINE!”, “NO!”, Baby Shark watching, running around the house naked, “Don’t touch my boogers”, corndog eating, menace! I love my baby more than life itself, but sometimes, I have to step back and take a breather. I’m sure this all comes with the territory, but its so easy for other people to convince you that this behavior is abnormal. I mean don’t ALL toddlers do this? I’m not trying to excuse this behavior or anything like that. I don’t want my child physically harming anyone, nor would I like him being physically harmed. It’s not okay.

Kai’s aggressive behavior is getting so bad that he has already gained a negative reputation at daycare. Everyday he has a bad report. “Kai did this. Kai did that.” It’s becoming embarrassing and a little disheartening. I spoke with the director and she made it seem as if Kai was the only one displaying this sort of behavior, even though I know that isn’t true. I’ve been wrecking my brain trying to figure out why he’s cutting up like this. Is it just a phase? Is it because his classmates are doing it.? Did I do something? Is it that his dad isn’t present. I know I may be overthinking it, but I want to nip it in the bud right now. I don’t want him to think that it’s okay to hit or bite.

So, here’s where the hard part comes in. WHAT DO I DO?! I’m tired of the traditional “WHIP HIS BEHIND”. That’s all the elders say. Lol. Popping his little behind does not work. Plus, how can I spank him for something he did way earlier he won’t even know why I did it. When I do spank him right when he does something, he’ll cry, but he’ll do it again. That boy will look me DEAD in the face and do something I just told him not to do. He’s getting to the age where he’s gaining more understand so I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to a good ole fashioned ass whipping, I’ve had my fair share, but I feel like, at this age, there’s a better option. Ya know?

What are some of the hardest things you’ve had to deal with with your toddler? What are some things you’ve found effective as far as disciplining? All comments are welcome. This is a judgment free zone.

Peace and Love,

Bri

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Dear Kai, Mommy blew it. . . again.

*sighs*


Ya know, I’m not sure what’s going on with me but I just can’t seem to get it together. Here we are, with a month left of school, and I’m sure I blew it again. I don’t think I’m going to pass this semester. As hard as I worked to get back in school, this is what I do; blow it. I started the semester so strong and now I feel like I’ve lost it. I can’t blame anyone but myself, though. I let myself fall behind. I allowed being an exhausted working mom to consume me, when I KNEW that I had things to do. As if I’m the first or last single mom to do it. I knew I had goals to achieve and I blew it. I have set myself back yet again.


So here I am, asking myself “Now what?” I’ve wasted time and wasted money. Lately I’ve been feeling as if school just may not be for me. So, then what? What do I do with my life at that point? Anything I’d even consider doing in my life would require more than a high school education. See, I’m not opposed to furthering my education. I want to, but how do I find the motivation. Yes, I know what you’re thinking “Kai should be your motivation!” He is. And it’s really not about finding the motivation, it’s more so about STAYING motivated. I’m 26, soon to be 27 still trying to figure out what it is that I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I don’t want to just have a job for the rest of my life. I want a career, doing something I love to do, but how do I get there. It’s always so easy for me to encourage others and make sure they stay on top of things, but I can’t seem to get myself in order. I feel like I’m lost y’all. Someone come find me . . .

Dear Kai, It’s never too late. (POP-UP POST)

So yesterday, was pretty rough. I woke up in my feelings about Kai’s father still playing his favorite game of inconsistency. I know that’s not something I can change. You can’t make someone be a devoted parent. I tried. I can’t. Then my hometown hosted a parade and ball in hour of my Godfather. I was such an emotional wreck because I miss him so much and I really wanted to be there. All day, those things weighed so heavy on me. Not to mention my Floyd Mayweather of a son, has been driving me nuts with the fighting, biting, and tantrums. Everyday this week, I have received at bad report when I picked him up from daycare. I hope that this is just a phase and will pass over soon. So with all that on my heart, I prayed fervently for peace. I laid in bed, ready to drift off. I wasn’t expecting what happened next. My dad sent me a message telling me to call him. MY BIRTH FATHER. I was so shocked and so nervous. I had never heard his voice in my entire 26 years of life. We’d texted every now and then but it didn’t seem like he had any interest in talking to me. So I just gave up. I think before last night, the last time I talked to him was two years ago; maybe three. So I was excited to talking to him. Lord knows I’ve always wanted a relationship with him. My smile never left the entire hour we stayed on the phone. We talked about everything from, my three brothers, his goals, my sick grandma, his beliefs, rent, you name it. He has a potty mouth. I guess that’s where I get it from. He said you gotta excuse me, “I’m rough, real, and raw. I’m a thug. Mouth full of gold teeth.” Lmao. Y’all this dude is funny af too, just like me. I told him I didn’t care that he isn’t this Cliff Huxtable type of dad. I wanted him to be him. He didn’t have to try to impress me. I was just glad to be talking to him. He told me he was going to call me EVERYDAY and I’m looking forward to it. I am open and willing to build a relationship with him. By the time I went to bed, I felt that peace I prayed for that night.

It’s never too late..

❤ Bri

Dear Kai, Out with the OLD, In with the NEW!

Last year I said I was making 2018 my “Year of Restoration”. I did. I felt that I had rebuilt everything that had fallen apart in depressing ass 2017. I was sooooo depressed that year that I vowed to not allow myself to ever feel that way again. It’s amazing how far you can get just by WANTING better for yourself. I found a better job, the relationship between Kai’s father and I was in a better place, I was in a better financial state, and I was in an overall better emotional state. It was all good, but then I started wanting more.

January 1, New Year’s Day, I woke up and I was in a funky mood. The week before, I had planned to go to my best friend’s grandmother’s house to eat and be social, but when I woke up, I was like “Nah.” I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to be bothered. I just wanted to lay around the house with my baby. The night before my mind had been racing. I thought about going to school, Dexter, moving to a new place, new relationships, EVERYTHING! I annoyed myself to sleep, so I guess that was why I felt that way when I woke up. You ever just though so much about things in your life until you got so annoyed that you didn’t want to deal with it anymore? I was there. I wanted something new. At that point, I deemed 2019 “The Year of All Things New.”

After having a long boring New Year’s, I decided that I was going to cut all my hair off. It was impulsive. It literally took me 7 minutes to decide I wanted to and to do it. After it was all cut, my mood changed as if I was carrying my frustrations in my hair. I felt confident. I felt new. I felt the way that I want to feel 24/7. I felt free and happy. A few days later, I started thinking about my feelings towards Kai’s dad. I got so upset with myself for how I relentlessly pursued him. I wouldn’t even say upset. More like embarrassed. Maybe even a combination of the two. I wanted to be family so bad that I didn’t even care whether he wanted that with me. I felt that I could somehow change his feelings towards me. How stupid is that? I had to really do some self-exploration and figure out why I didn’t feel that I deserved someone who would want me too. I mean, the way we started off should have been a sure sign that I meant nothing. We meant nothing. There was nothing. A blessing just happened to come out of the messy situation. I decided to set myself free from that. I guess the saying is right, “God does work in mysterious ways.” After expressing that I would be moving forward, things seemed to take a turn . . . again. We haven’t seen him since before Christmas, but hey, it is what it is. I felt caged in that situation and he didn’t even know. All I wanted was to be free. I no longer have the energy to feed that situation. I can’t figure out why things with him happen the way they do. Maybe he’s still trying to figure himself out. Hell, idk. I know God must be working on me because I still find myself mentioning him in my prayers EVERY night. I still hope all is well with him, but I am moving forward.

I started classes on January 14th. So far everything is going great. I’ve done well on my first few assignments and plan on doing well for the rest of the semester. I think I’ve figured out how to manage school, work, and motherhood. I try to get most of my studying done during my downtime at work and on my lunch breaks so that when I get home, I only have to worry about being mommy.

I’ll also be moving into a new place. Something a little roomier so Kai and I can live comfortably. We’re outgrowing our current space, so it’s definitely time for something new and fresh. 

You guys, I feel like I am truly happy and at peace right now. UGGGGGH! It just feels so good. I am accomplishing career, financial, emotional, and spiritual goals. I am moving forward into peace, happiness, and success. I pray that the rest of my year is just as awesome as this past month has been.

Oh wait! Did I tell y’all Kai hasn’t had a Paci in 6 days? I’m kicking the mommy thing’s ass!

Peace and Blessings,
Bri.🌻


If you made a theme for 2019, what would you call it? What are some of the things you wish to accomplish this year?

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Dear Kai, If you ask me, I’m ready.

I’ve always been a sucker for love, ya know, a hopeless romantic. Always wanting the love that I’ve seen on black romance movies. I think I have finally reached a point in my understanding where I realize that fairytales only exist on tv. I’m no Nina and Darius Lovehall isn’t writing me poems nor making me cheese omelets for breakfast. Although, I know that these things aren’t real, that doesn’t stop the hunger for love that I’ve been experiencing lately. Now I know you “self love activist” are about to charge me up with comments like “YoU HaVe To LoVe YoUr SeLf FiRsT . . blah blah blah!” *inserts dramatic eyeroll* I do. Maybe not as much as I could, but I most definitely do love myself. But what’s wrong with loving yourself and wanting to give love and be loved at the same time. It’s not impossible, is it?

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should start dating again. I initially put that part of my life on hold so that I could focus on being a new mommy. I was already having a hard time finding a balance between sleeping, working, and “mommying”. There was no way I was going to invite someone into that mayhem. Kai’s a little older and I think I’ve found a good balance in those categories but, now I want a social life. I wanna be mushy and fall in love. Lol. I think I’ve boosted my self up enough to see what is out there but, I still have a few reservations.

ONE: Availability: Before I became a mom, I was coming and going as I pleased. I did what I wanted. Of course things change. Now, I have to find a sitter a month in advance if I want to do anything or go anywhere. That still doesn’t guarantee that when that day comes, they’ll be available to babysit. I can’t get upset, though. People have lives. I made the choice to give up my freedom to move without limitations. What if Kai gets sick? What if I can’t find a sitter? That’s something I have to think about every time I want to do something or go somewhere where Kai isn’t included. I love my baby more than anything, but sometimes mommy want’s to do mommy stuff? How many rainchecks can you ask for before you stop getting invited?

TWO: I’m afraid. I haven’t really had the best history when it comes to relationships. So I want to make sure that it’s right this time. I’m not super young, but I’m not old either, so I know I still have time to figure my dating life out. I just don’t want to waste anymore time on bullshit relationships. I no longer desire waste time or energy on something that isn’t making me better. I no longer desire waste time or energy on someone who is incapable of reciprocity. Like dang,  “TELL ME WHO I HAVE TO BEEEE TO GET SOME RE-CI-PRO-CITYYYY?”Gah lee. I know exactly what I want and I know exactly what I will and will not tolerate. I’ve been told that my standards are too high. They aren’t. AT ALL! I’m just wary of who and what I allow into my space. Especially now that I have Kai. Y’all all I want is something real, unconditional, unwavering, and lasting. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

Three: I’m can’t. This reason may trump all. I have been having the hardest time letting go of the idea of being a family. You guys. This may be one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to make. I’ve been dancing between let it go and try harder for months. I know better. Well at least I should. The thought of moving forward with my life, with someone else who isn’t Kai’s father gives me anxiety. And I’m not just saying that. I literally felt my heart racing, the sweat dripping, and the lack of oxygen to my brain one day when I thought about it. This isn’t healthy y’all. I keep telling myself that we are not what we were before Kai. Hell, even before Kai we weren’t exactly on the road to marriage. It was messy. A very slippery slope. I feel like now, I’m paying the price because I’m trying to fight off the label I feel has been placed on me. Always constantly trying to prove my worthiness. Idk how I got so consumed by this. I think it’s somewhere between wanting to beat the statistics, keep up with my closest friends, and wanting to give Kai the family life that I didn’t have growing up. Now before anyone gets offended, I had a great up bringing. I’m talking about a mommy, a daddy, a sister, a brother, a house, a dog. Ya know. The Obamas. This week I have forced myself to back away because I feel that it’s needed. I’m constantly expressing my feelings but always end up feeling embarrassed. I don’t want that feeling anymore. I want to genuinely happy. Even when I try conversing with a nice young man, it doesn’t go anywhere because I’m over here looking like a damn fool thinking that Dex is going to want to live happily ever after. Then to add insult to stupidity, I literally express EVERY feeling I have about and for him, to him. Y’all I’m so shame. Sometimes I just want to run and hide. Don’t get me wrong, Dexter is awesome. I love hanging out with him. He’s my friend. We have a good relationship. So don’t think this is a bash my child’s father party. It ain’t. That’s my guy. I just want more and that’s not his fault. I can’t get upset with him over my feelings. I think it’ll be easier if he just straight up says “Bri, I don’t want to be a family with you.”  It’ll hurt, but it’ll force me to move forward too. I can’t tell you guys how hard this week has been in attempts to not text him and tell him something exciting that happened or to make a reference to an inside joke. Y’all I don’t even know what else to say . . . I know this may seem trivial to y’all but seriously y’all, it’s weighing heavy on me. Keep me lifted.

Peace and Love,

Bri 🌻

[The floor is open for conversation.]

Moms who are not in a relationship with your child’s father, at what point did you start dating again?

What helped you to move forward?

How is it working out?

What Advice do you have to give?

Dear Kai, it takes a village but..

*inhales*

As a new mom, I never knew how frustrated I would become just from the opinions of others. If you know me personally, you know that I am all for the whole “It takes a village to raise a child.” thing. But dammit, to what extent? Where is the line drawn between “it takes a village” and “I respect your decisions as mom”? As Kai gets older and is beginning new stages in his life, I find myself constantly being pulled between:

“You need to start making him walk!” and “He’ll walk when he’s ready.”

“It’s time to take that pacifier.” and “He’s just baby.”

“You need to spank his little legs.” and “Spank him for what? He doesn’t know any better.”

“Why’d you cut all his hair off?” and “He looks like a big boy.”

“Let him cry, it’ll teach him independence.” and “Don’t let him just cry like that.”

Like, I’m honestly at the point where I just want to climb to the mountain top and scream, “WELL wtF am I supposed to do? HUH?! WTF do you want me to do?! I am trying my best to be the best mother that I can to my child.” I have been so overwhelmed with the feeling of not doing a good enough job at raising my son. You wanna know why I haven’t taken his paci? Well here it is! My child is hooked. He especially likes to have it when he’s trying to go to sleep. And you know what, that’s fine. Why? Because I have to get my ass up EVERYDAY at 5/5:30am the to make sure that I make it to work by 8! So if that paci is going to help my child go to bed at 10pm instead of 12/1am, so be it. Why should feel guilty for that? Huh? I do what’s best for my household. You think I want my baby to be a four year old sucking a pacifier with buck teeth? No. You think I like seeing my friends with babies walking at 9 months walking and stuff? No. It took me a long time to accept that every child is different and what may work for Josiah and Carter, May not work for Kai and vice versa. And that’s okay.. And that goes for parenting as well.

I don’t want to come off as the “nobody can tell me anything about my child” or the “nobody can tell my child anything” type of parent. That’s not true. I love advice from seasoned moms and I expect my child to be corrected when he is out of line. I am still in the learning stages and I’ll probably be learning new skills as a parent for a long time. All I want is the opportunity to grow in my motherhood and for my decisions, as his mother, to be respected.

*exhales*

Peace and Blessings,

Bri 🌻

Dear Kai, Teamwork makes the dream work.

Doesn’t it seem like every one of my post begins with some type of excuse as to why I haven’t been very consistent with my writing? I’m sorry, you guys. I promise it wasn’t intentional. I definitely underestimated how much time would be dedicated to parenthood and adulthood.

I have officially survived an entire year of motherhood. When I first started my blog, I wasn’t really sure where my life was going. I was a depressed new mom, to a seemingly fatherless child. I was hurt, I was envious, I was weak, I was lost, I was over it. I told you guys that I would end up rising above everything and becoming a kickass mom. Well guys what, here I am, months later, doing everything I thought I couldn’t do. Lord knows this year hasn’t gone by without it’s fair share of trials and tribulations but I just thank God that things are not what they used to be.

Can we just take a minute to thank God for growth? He listens. He answers. Not in our timing but in his own. In the beginning of my journey, I felt like I was suffering at the hands of Kai’s father. I literally was so miserable that I cried everyday because I was terrified of raising my son on my own. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. There’s no worse feeling than the feeling of abandonment. Y’all, I prayed so much that God would just change the way things were going, but it didn’t seem that the atmosphere was shifting at all. For months, I remained steadfast. Then BAM! Here comes Daddy Dex in full force and ready for duty. He has been on top of his game with Kai and I couldn’t be more thankful. I was soooo worried that he’d never come around or be what I needed him to be for our son.

But any who, we have moved forward and left the past in the past. There was absolutely no way to heal old wounds if we kept picking at the scabs. Once we got on the same page, it seemed like everything just came together. He’s here quite often to see Kai. It’s a little tough sometimes being that he lives 2 hours away, though. I know that isn’t far but him actually being in Houston would be better. But hey, you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. I love when he comes to town. He helps me out a lot. I get to sleep, I get to eat, I get to take long showers. Yea, I know what you’re probably thinking. . . “Wasn’t she just talking shit about him?” I meeaaan, I wouldn’t call it that but, yes, I did have some not so favorable things to say about him and they way we started off. It was the truth. But that’s where the growth comes in. This is how far we’ve come. Dex and I understand that we are a team, trying to achieve the same goal. We just want to successfully raise our son. I love how he is with Kai. Even though, he acts like Kai is like 6. Lol. I love how he can be the tough one and I can be the softer one but it still is a perfect balance. I think our co-parenting relationship is a rare one for this day and age. We get along. I don’t hate him. He’s more than just Kai’s father; he’s my friend. He’s there when I need him. He has my back. We laugh. We talk. We enjoy being around each other. He’s a pretty cool guy. It’s sometimes hard to express my love and care for him to others because you know once you’ve said something bad about what someone else has done to you, they’ll never forgive him when you do. I guess that shouldn’t really matter to me. We’re here and we have moved on and are looking toward the future.

Now of course I have to ruin a good thing with my emotional ass. Lol. You guys should already know at this point, that I am very open about the way I feel. So with that being said. I enjoy every waking moment I get to spend with Kai and Dex. They are hilarious. They keep me smiling, but it’s SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to lose that feeling of wanting to be a family. I feel like sometimes I have an unhealthy attachment to the mindset of having things the way I want them to be instead of seeing things for the way they are. Maybe I just think too much, dream too much, wish too much, hope too much. It gets so overwhelming at times and it makes dating hard. I could meet a really nice guy and actually like him enough to date him, but I won’t because I don’t want to waste his time knowing good and well that’s not where I want to be. Yea yea, call it what you want. But before Kai existed, I always felt this connection to him. Kinda still do. Lol. And I don’t know if it’s because we have a child, that we actually do have a connection now or what .. I just don’t want to ruin the relationship we have as co-parents because at the end of the day, Kai takes priority over my feelings. I’m not really sure how he feels nor am I going to ask. Hell, idk if the man is seeing anyone. I’m too afraid to ask. It’s like one of those “don’t ask if you really don’t want to know the answer” type of things. I don’t want to feel played. Maybe ending up with my face broken and on the floor would be just what I need to get over that stage. Lol. Well, who knows what the future holds. Like I said, it’s all in God’s time and whatever is in his will, it’ll be done. I’m okay with that.

*wipes sweat*

Glad I got that off of my chest.

As far as the baby King. He is finally one. I feel like I just had him. He is growing at lightning speed. We have finally moved pass the formula stage and into the whole milk stage. My pocketbook is having a praise break. I don’t know how many more cans of SIXTEEN dollar milk I would’ve been able to buy before I had to file for bankruptcy. Lol. Chile look . . When I say, I was over it. I do mean over it. I love that he can eat table food and feed himself now. He only has two teeth at the bottom but THE BOY CAN EAT! Okay?! He eats, EVERYTHING! Green, beans, potatoes, tomatoes. . . . YOU NAME IT! I’m not mad at him though. Mama likes too eat too.

He’s become mobile and busy af. He’s not walking just yet, but he gets into anything left unattended. I had to lower his crib mattress because he was standing up and trying to climb out. That eliminated one problem but now the new problem with that is that it’s easier for him to grab the clothes on his shelf and pull them down. Lordy! I also had to purchase a gate to stop him from going in the restroom. He likes to play with the toilet handle and go in the cabinets. All day it’s like I’m running a marathon. He has so many toys but he prefers playing with everything that isn’t a toy. I think I’m going to be bald from pulling my hair out before he even reaches the “terrible twos”. Anyone wanna buy me a good lace front?

Earlier this year, I removed Kai from daycare and placed him in the care of a sitter. I’m so sad to say that he will be going back to daycare in less that two weeks. I absolutely love and adore the young lady and her family for taking such good care of my baby and caring for him the way I would. I’m afraid that when I send him back to daycare, he won’t get the same care. Well I’m mean, obviously. There are other kids to tend to. They don’t have time to sit around and baby Kai all day. On the other side of the coin, I am excited because he’ll have other children to interact with and have a curriculum . We have to keep that mind working. Maybe he’ll start walking too.

Dexter and I started weaning him from his beloved pacifier this weekend. I didn’t realize how strong his attachment to it was until last night. My baby cried for over an hour because he couldn’t sleep without it. Over the weekend, his dad made it look like a cakewalk. Me on the other hand, I have to fight my child to go to bed. I caved. I gave him one last night. I’m so disappointed in myself because i really want him to let it go. I should have never gave it to him, but when you’re a tired mom who just wants to rest, it’s a quick fix. I’m going to keep trying. I’m no quitter.

I can definitely say that these past few months, things have been on the up and up. We’re just experiencing so much growth in all aspects of our lives. I love it. Life is good. God is good. I just pray that he keeps allowing us to grow on this journey.

Peace and Blessings,

Bri. 🌻